Hello, August.

Sometimes, even when you've been headed on the right track for a long time, you need one final push to get you to where you need to be. For me, that push was a somewhat terrifying experience, but fear is the best motivator; fear opens your eyes to the truth.

And the truth can hurt, too. It can go against all that you've been insisting upon and surrounding yourself with for a year. It can scream for you to change everything.

So hello, August. This month will be for fresh beginnings, early mornings and regaining trust. For solitary walks on the beach, bike rides, and sketching. For film photography and dark chocolate and dinners with the best of friends. For complimenting strangers and filling notebooks with musings. For reading good books and discovering poetry and overdosing on music. For tennis and jogging and coffee dates with my grandma. For knowing that the most difficult path is also the most rewarding. For living without anything holding me back.

There are some things in life that, as breathtaking as they may be, can set your priorities out of whack. Things that halt your progress, freeze you in moments in time. You can stand there and enjoy the whimsical, warped, wonderful view, or you can break free and keep moving. I choose the latter, as difficult as it has been to walk away from something that has opened so many doors in my mind. I regret nothing that I have done, because all of it has taught me many invaluable lessons. But I've learned them, and it's time to move on.

I don't know where I'm headed, but the journey feels right. In a society that stands still, I consider myself lucky to be so open to change. I can't see my future, and I'm not particularly concerned with that fact. Nothing seems so important and magical as this moment in time.

I can't promise I'll be keeping up with this blog in the future; my time in this lovely corner of the Internet may have run its course. I enjoy it, but perhaps blogging isn't for me. At least not in this phase of life. I'm sure I'll be back with the occasional update, to share some artwork or some thoughts. But in the mean time, I hope everyone reading this has the courage to open their eyes to the truth and change their lives for the better. Because, really, nothing is worth sacrificing true happiness.

Appreciating everyday life.

An aspect of blogging that I both love and hate is the selective nature of it. You get to present yourself at your best, with your most brilliant ideas, during the highlights of your week. However, showing only the organized, cheerful, exciting part of yourself is a little bit dehumanizing, and I hate that.

You know why? Because I love being human. I love my "imperfections". I love my frizzy, curly hair and my oversized men's t-shirt and the faded, smudged eyeliner left on from yesterday. 

Yes, I can make myself look really nice and fancy and done-up when I want to. But let's be real. I wear jeans or shorts and a t-shirt almost every day of the week. I'm still a bit of a tomboy, and I just can't be bothered looking nice all the time. To those people who actually can, well, you go glen coco. Four for you. But that's not me, and I wouldn't change that for the world.

I think a lot of people are scared to be vulnerable or ignorant or weak. And I'm not going to say that being those things isn't a bummer, but there's no reason to be ashamed. Each day is an opportunity for growth. A few people I'm close with are struggling with depression, and the most common phrase I hear out of their mouths is "I can't." So I tell them, yes, you can, you're just afraid. If you think you're a bad conversationalist, that's all the more reason you should take a public speaking class. If you think you're too weak to exercise, it's in your best interest to hit the gym. If you can't embrace something about yourself, don't sit there brooding, because you have the power to change it.

I've become a positive thinker by necessity. I recently clawed my way out of the big black pit of depression, and I have vowed never to go back. So I put my mind into training. I flipped every negative thought and complaint on its head. I took advantage of every moment of my day. I learned to find a balance in my life between productivity and relaxation, friends and family, work and play. I'm still working at it, but you know what? I love life. I love life so much that it makes me want to dance and sing and hug my evil cat and lay in the middle of my lawn probably getting a hell of a sunburn and sit here writing a blog post about all of this with the biggest, stupidest grin on my face.

This was going to be a post about making the most of life by doing things like sitting outside with your computer or exercising while watching TV or something like that, but it turned into a big sappy inspirational speech.

Typical.

Anyway, enjoy a black-and-white webcam selfie of my natural lazy-day face, and have yourself a wonderful Monday evening.

Hello, July; Summer goals

As I've previously mentioned, I have a plethora of plans this summer and not enough time to execute them! So I thought I'd compile a small list of a few summer goals to get the ball rolling. (And in case you were wondering, that strapping young lad in the photo above is my younger brother. Shot on 400 iso colour film.)


1. Live in the moment. As much as I love photographic memories, some things just can't be captured on camera. Being present in the moment is the best way to take advantage of life's small joys and be truly happy. I chose not to bring my camera to last night's early Independence Day fireworks, and I had a truly magical time, crawling through a hole in the fence into the skate park and watching the fireworks laying next to some of my favorite people in the world. Another thing to consider is time wasted on the internet - blog posts and incoming emails will still be there when you get back, but a firefly-catching moment with your family won't last forever. 


2. Finish redecorating and organizing my room. This has been a very long process, folks. First time redecorating my room since my crazy bright-colours-everywhere phase in seventh grade, and I'm halfway through the process. I need to reorganize my desk area, add art to my walls, reupholster my couch, and add a few more finishing touches. If I don't finish this summer, I may go a little bit crazy.


3. Complete a summer scrapbook. I'll be posting about my first adventure into scrapbooking through the course of the summer. I intend to capture as much as I can of this already perfect summer in one little book... wish me luck!


4. Take care of my body. I've taken a great interest into nutrition lately, and this summer I plan to take care of my body the best I can. Eating balanced meals full of natural, unprocessed foods and taking daily walks - a simple, healthy summer lifestyle that I will eventually come to adopt from here on out! 


5. Schedule a bit of art, music, literature, and relaxation into my daily life. For a person with a million passions, I can't tell you how frustrating it is to have to cut art short because I have other plans. This summer, I will try to make efficient and effective use of my time, and work writing, reading, drawing, and acting into my daily life. There are so many skills and interests of mine that I would love to further cultivate, and I intend to do so this summer. 

Essentially, this summer is about getting in touch with my personal universe. Challenging myself in every way and making each day beautiful. I'll be busy and I'll certainly collapse at the end of the day, but I'll come out of it with unforgettable memories and positive impacts to last a lifetime. So hello, July. Bring it on.

The great outdoors: my place of worship

Religion fascinates me, but I personally think that there are way too many theories out there about the spiritual world for just one to be right. If you have a faith that gives you strength at your weakest moments and guides you to bring goodness into this world, that is absolutely fantastic. But as for me, I figure I'll just try to live the fullest life I can, and when I die I'll find out what's up there. Or maybe I'll just be dead. I don't know, but it doesn't bother me too much. 

Anyway, my family requires I come to church with them every Sunday, but being in the sort of rocky, emotional state I was today, I packed a bag with my camera and some notebooks and pens and headed out when the mass started. Behind the parking lot, there's a huge grassy hill with some wooden benches at the top and a few swings at the bottom. Just being in nature, with a beautiful blue sky and a warm breeze,  brought me so much peace.

Backpack. I love this thing to pieces.

I (sort of) made friends with a little groundhog! He was pretty shy, but I got some pictures from about seven feet away.

I found this absolutely gorgeous feather!

Every single twirling picture I took, my eyes were closed, so I just cropped my face out. Sorry, you don't get to see my super curly hair!

A view from the swings. Such a gorgeous day.

A little sketch of my find. :)

Chasing passions

I feel like I've come full-circle in this whole self discovery thing. As I've mentioned many a time previously, I have too many passions and too little time. I've always known that I want to be self-employed, and that I want to make the world a more beautiful place, but this big question is: what? What do I really want to spend the rest of my life doing?

I've flirted with the idea of every typical artsy self-employment option I could think of: blogging and running e-courses, graphic design, owning a boutique, professional photographer. But honestly, I don't want to spend the rest of my life dealing with enhanced photos of couples smiling in a field of daisies or diving into the technical mumbo-jumbo of html or accounting-101. I'm interested in all of those things, but I lack the dedication and the patience and the passion to really pursue them. Suddenly, it became a matter of what college majors would be practical for a self-employed artist, and that was when I knew something was very, very wrong. Practical is not in my vocabulary.

And so launched this bout of deep thinking and internet-fasting. 

Tonight, in the midst of dinner, I looked up and launched into a full-blown rant to my poor, bewildered mother. Initially, it was about being a leader and discovering that ten seconds of confidence can move a mountain, but as the words poured out of my mouth it gradually became an emotional, passionate rant about my disgust for those who treat underdogs (i.e. special needs and otherwise socially handicapped or different individuals) as less than human. Bullying and backstabbing in general disgusts me, but on this level especially I find it sickening. Everyone deserves an equal amount of compassion, patience and respect. I actually got so worked up talking about the issue that I started to cry. And in my book, if an injustice angers you to the point of tears, you'd better do something about it.

I've never really thought of it as a career option, but I definitely have a calling. Not to end bullying (though that would be lovely), because there are a million organizations already committed to that cause. I think I have a calling to give courage to the weak. I know what it's like to feel utterly alone and hopeless, to hate yourself. I know what it's like to literally be one jump from death. But here I am, strong and happy and determined. I pulled myself out of the pit of despair because I chose to be happy, and I feel obliged to show others how to make that choice. I don't know how, and I don't know where to start, but it's something that I never actually considered and now know how important it is to me. And that's something, right?

Lately

Hello, all. I apologize again for my inconsistency these past several weeks. It's been a time of self-relfection, building inspiration, and overall cleansing. I'm not religious, but there's something a little bit spiritual about talking walks in the drizzling rain under blinding white skies or sitting in a haze of incense smoke on the balcony in the evening... wouldn't you say? And, of course, there is an abundance of magic found in time spent with friends.

Anyway, as I continue to embrace life in all its fullness and beauty, posts will continue to be sparse. I'll be sure to share little projects, milestones, photo-shoots, and updates as time progresses! I'm definitely going to focus on making this blog a better reflection of myself, than a reflection of what readers seem to be interested in. And honestly, clever little DIYs and elaborate outfit posts are not quite me. (As much as I love fashion, let's be honest; I wear skinny jeans and some sort of t-shirt and hat four days of the week, anyway.)

I'm a very fluid person with a million passions, and my most prominent interests tend to go in cyclical phases. Currently, I'm dabbling in art journaling for the first time, and making huge leaps as a photographer. I'm hoping to start scheduling shoots more regularly, with someone other than my tripod.. :) But in the mean-time, feel free to mosey on down to my flickr, and take a gander below at the self portrait I've put together just for my lovely blog readers! (Which I highly suggest you click on to view in better clarity).

In other news, the school year is almost over (get excited!), which means teachers are cramming in that one last unit, one last essay, one last project before finals. Expect an excerpt (... words <3) of my English persuasive letter essay on marijuana legalization within the next few days! I'm particularly passionate about the issue, and I honestly had too much research to fit concisely in an essay, so I had to leave a great chunk of it out. However, I'm still relatively pleased with the overall turnout, so I was thinking of sharing a bit with all of you. Perhaps I'll share even more of my creative writing over time as well!

I hope everyone is having a lovely day. Until next time,

- Nadine

P. S. It lifts my heart to know that people read my blog - please don't be shy, comment! It always surprises to me to find out that more people read my blog than I'm aware of. I'm very friendly, so don't be afraid to email me, either! I love making friends and I'd love your suggestions and reactions to help make my blog even better. :)

A little update

The end of my spring break is drawing nearer - I'm really not looking forward to going back to school on Monday. However, a lot of positive things have come of this time off. I definitely feel a lot more prepared to handle life, for sure.

Growing up in a very small town in a very religious Roman-Catholic family, I've been accustomed to a certain way of living and holiday celebrations all my life. But tonight, just for fun, I'm joining my good friend and his family for their Passover celebration, to, in his words, "experience Jewishness." Religion fascinates me even though I'm not particularly religious myself, so it'll be great to learn a little bit more about a different culture of sorts.

As part of my personal growth and development, I've been attempting to eat new foods, do new things, talk to new people and maintain a new, positive attitude. So far, I've been doing very well. I hope to leave to dark pits of anxiety, depression, hypochondriasis and phobia far behind me as time goes on. :) Wish me luck!

As for those DIYs I was talking about... I'll get to them eventually, I promise.

Have a wonderful weekend!

Coffee dates

I've mentioned Pete in passing about fifty million times on this blog, but I don't think I've ever actually spent a blog post talking about him and how much he means to me.

Little coffee dates like this make me so happy. It's so nice on lazy days just to sit with him and wear his hoodie and talk to him and be out in the world. We actually had a random stranger who was waiting for his coffee tell us we were "so cute!" today, which was pretty funny.

And I guess we are pretty cute. I'm sitting on my couch writing this post right now while he's dozing off next to me, and I can't stop glancing back at him every few moments while I type and being overcome by my love for him. I am so beyond blessed to have found someone who brings me so much joy and comfort this early in my life. We've been together for a little over a year now. The ring you'll see in every single picture of me is his promise ring, and every time I glance at it I'm reminded of the beautiful future we're going to have together in our future cozy house with our future perfect children.

I'll stop being so obnoxiously lovesick now, but I guess my point is that this perfectly imperfect boy is my dream come true, and I couldn't be happier.

I just caught him staring at me. I guess he isn't asleep after all. c:

A health kick, Anything Goes, and some other jumbled thoughts

Hello, all! You are looking at an obnoxiously large photo of my new Nike Free Runs! I got them this morning and I kind of don't want to take them off. They're super comfortable and they actually look good, too! I always hated wearing sneakers because they would completely clash with any sort of outfit I had planned, but I can actually see myself wearing these as part of an outfit! They're extremely lightweight as well. Good purchase? I think yes.

Getting these fabulous new shoes made me want to go for a run, so I did - I jogged 1.4 miles. Considering that outside of gym class I never, ever run, I'm very proud of myself for not dropping dead with cramps. My body was built for athletics, honestly, and I'm pretty fast, but my stamina is awful because I've always had an aversion to sports. Ah, well. I intend to jog or at least walk every single day now.

As well as contracting a furious case of spring fever, I'm on a health streak as well. I've never needed to watch what I ate, and I still don't, because my metabolism is so high. But it's actually kind of interesting, nutrition and such things... and I might as well get into an exercise routine now, so when I hit 40 I don't gain 1235979123 pounds. And the endorphins produced while exercising are always a plus. Now, instead of eating chocolate in lame attempts to fight off depression, I pledge to go for a jog instead!

I apologize for my absence this week. I've been pretty busy and feeling a bit down, so blogging hasn't exactly been my top priority, but I am getting back on track! Yesterday was pretty exciting, though; in the morning I attended a dance rehearsal for the upcoming school musical, and then around noon my family and I drove down to NYC to see the Anything Goes revival on Broadway! And let me tell you, Sutton Foster is basically a goddess. In addition to being wildly attractive, she has a phenomenal voice, and incredible dancing and acting skills! It was a fantastic show, I'm so glad to have seen it.

Forgive my scatter-brained thoughts; I'm a little bit sick and very tired. And since the final days of preparations for the musical is next week, it's a fine time to start living on Vitamin C drops, protein bars, and tea! (: I hope you've all had a smashing week. I'll be sure to blog more often from now on!

In which Nadine rambles on excessively about matters irrelevant to anyone but herself

Hello there, all. Tonight, I want to share with you something a little more personal than an outfit or some preachy life philosophy of mine. I'd like to share a little bit of my story. Why? Well, I have a dream to some day be able to reach out and connect with people all over the world who are struggling with similar problems to mine. I want to help people, give speeches. I want to change lives, and I want people to know that they are better than their issues. So, I'm going to start right now.

A lot of people don't understand depression, especially when it occurs in talented, intelligent, well-liked youths from well-off families in happy little towns. Looking back on my life from an objective point of view, I had no reason to be suicidal two years ago. I had loving friends, good grades, a leading role in the drama production, quite a bit of talent, and lots of nice material things. So why on earth shouldn't I be happy? It makes even less sense when I consider how I despised my body: I am 5'3" and weigh 93 pounds. I have wavy/curly thick brown hair and very pale skin and big hazel eyes and long legs for my height and curves that suit my body perfectly. But when I looked in the mirror then, I wanted to destroy the body I was born into. And I did. I slashed at my arms, stomach, legs, and even once my cheek. I hated myself. I hated my personality, my body, my life. I was never good enough, and I felt so utterly alone. All I knew was that I wanted life to end.

I'll spare you the rest of that sob story. The point is, just because I lived in a nice house and had nice clothes and had a bunch of friends didn't stop me from trying to die. Depression isn't that simple. And hey, guess what? You can't cure it. I am still manic-depressive. Although for the past two months I've been overwhelmingly manic, it's definitely still difficult. Sometimes, for a split second, I want out of this world and all its pressures and cruelties. But I am stronger than I think I am. I've seen myself go from about-to-check-into-a-mental-hospital to bursting-with-happiness-and-creativity within a day. Life is beautiful, and I know that. So how do I deal with the sad stuff?

It's a process; I'm still learning. For starters, my priority right now is to figure out what I'm doing for me and what I'm doing for other people, and then to stop doing the things I'm only doing for other people. I've caused myself so much misery in the past by sticking with friends that only dragged me down and participating in activities just because I didn't want to be left out once again. And guess what - I'm still having immense difficulty extracting myself from situations that make me miserable. I've been drilled with these misconceptions that I have to do certain things. Some of them are pressures from my parents to take a zillion and one AP classes. Others are unspoken rules from my friends and fellow actors that you have to be in the autumn drama or else you'll be left out in the spring musical. And frankly, I can't handle a zillion and one AP classes, and I'm not going to do something just for the sake of looking good on college applications. And since the teacher who directs the autumn drama gives me anxiety attacks simply by existing, it's really not smart to participate.

Basically, I need to compartmentalize the different aspects of my life and then prioritize, cutting out the things that are dragging me down or that I don't particularly care about. One of the main causes of my depression and anxiety is my own over-complication of life. Agh! Talk about frustrating, when it's something that is completely in my power to change. As Sam vents about in this post, I need to simplify my life, physically and mentally. It's like an exercise we did when I studied the preforming arts at Cambridge University over the summer: we'd lay down, close our eyes, and envision placing all our stresses and distractions in a giant trash bag so that we could be calm and present in the space throughout the class. That's exactly what I need to do right now: get myself a big imaginary trash bag and fill it to the brim. And while I'm at it, a big physical trash bag would be a good idea, too... my room is long overdue for some cleaning.

I realize that this post is completely irrelevant to everyone but myself. Hopefully I'll follow up with more personal posts that convey some sort of relatable message...  I guess tonight I just needed to rant.